Awkward Family Photos of Binge Eating Nazi Zombies

One of the more entertaining aspects of maintaining a blog is the internet’s seemingly random treatment of keywords and phrases for the purpose of search engines world-wide. A lot of inquiring people find my site unsuspectingly because Google algorithms threw them a strange bone that seemed to fit their needs.

When I first did a post like this last year, I learned that some of these anonymous searchers have a dark and disturbing side (IE “Rastafarian Polygamous Women).

If you’re a WordPress User, from you’re Dashboard you should be able to go to “Site Stats” and click the “Summaries” tab under “Search Engine Terms.” This will show what random internet lurkers typed in to a search engine to find your site the past year or so.

Here are a few interesting search tidbits from my top-secret Summaries (X)-file.

“Awkward Family Christmas Photo”

By far this is the most searched for item on the list. Hundreds of folks have found “Chief of the Least” through this term or some close variation to it. I hope they get a chuckle out of my family’s awkwardness on their way to the actual website they were probably looking for. If you want to see what I look like in a ladies discounted Christmas sweater vest from KMART, give this link a peek.

“zombie apocalypse survival kit”

With the Walking Dead/Nazi Zombie craze befalling our culture, many a concerned conspiracy theorists have perused the net for surefire ways of end times preparation. At my blog, they found instead a tounge in cheek post that poked a little fun at them. But seriously, don’t come a knockin’ when the undead masses come pawin’ through your neighborhood; I only have enough freeze-dried food, shot-gun ammo, and room in my bomb shelter for my immediate family.

“music lyrics pertaining to binge eating”

I can’t off the cuff think of any popular music lyrics that may intimate binge eating. But I did do a pretty disgusting post a while back that included “binge eating” and “music” in the title. The SEO gods may have also discovered and matched the words with my “Thanksgiving Gluttony Repentance” post this past year too.

So I’m a recovering binge eater. Now you know.

“ernest scared stupid satanism”

I make no qualms about “Ernest Scared Stupid” being one of the scariest movies of my childhood (only slightly behind “Event Horizon”). My mom ignored the PG-13 rating and brought her innocent formative 8-year-old son to the horror movie of the century. I was clearly scarred. But it never occurred to me that Ernest the lovable buffoon and the nasty goblins that chased him may have satanic roots. If memory serves me correctly, the way that army of demonic monsters was defeated was with organic milk and affectionate hugs.

Satanism solved.

Peeps! I’m curious about what unique search terms you may have found in your dusty stats records. Share away in the comments.

Peace and grace,

Bryan Daniels

You’re Not Ready For The Zombie Apocalypse…But You Can Be…

We all have one within our circle of extended family and friends.

We’ll call him “Noah.” He is the modern day cowboy expecting and preparing for a worldwide end-times cataclysmic event of epic proportions. An event similar to what happened in the ancient “days of Noah.” Noah’s not scared though. He fully expects to escape the coming tribulation with pickled food, an embarrassment of generators, and thousands of rounds of military ammo.

He is a man of old school MacGyver-esque type sensibilities which include breeding goats, building raging fires, and blowing up stuff with homemade mortars.

I envy Noah a bit.

My very limited talents include teaching math, coaching football, and writing semi-intelligently about subjects I actually know very little about. But when the second Great Depression hits and people start eating each other again, screw all that: I want to be on Noah’s team.

Tangible survival skill will rule that day, not inane activities like introspection and art.

Noah has got a backup for everything. If his flashlight goes out he’s got a backup one in his back pocket. If the back pocket backup flashlight goes out, you don’t even want to know where he keeps the backup to the backup back pocket flashlight.

Noah is hardcore.

You better identify your respective Noah before it’s too late. Because in time, everyone will come to grips with that chilling realization that rushes over the body like a winter wave:

I’m not prepared for a zombie apocalypse

I mean I do have a months supply of freeze-dried astronaut food left over from a failed diet program. I also have a 12 gauge shotgun I haven’t shot since I was seventeen and a couple of sharpened shovels in my possession. But when it hits the fan, those limited resources are not going to keep the chaos in the streets from spilling into my house in less than two weeks.

But thank goodness for Noah.

He saw all of it coming eons ago.  And all of it will probably come together for you in one surreal watershed moment. As you huddle together in Noah’s tornado shelter gripping one of his M3’s in one hand and the hand of your night-gown clad great-aunt in the other, you’ll say:

Now I know why he needed all these unregistered machine guns that shell out 1200 rounds a minute.

Now I know why he needed nine deep freezers stockpiled with enough deer and goat meat to feed the Duggars for two whole days.

Now I know why he stopped investing in stocks and bonds and started stockpiling gold and guns.

No, we’re not ready for the zombie apocalypse right now…but we can be with Noah.

So reader, I implore you: Find your Noah. Before it’s too late. Before you find yourself in a stale security sweat box with a capacity of 12 yet holding 21 of your closest family, friends, neighbors and house pets. Out of nowhere a heart wrenching dilemma will present itself to you: You’re aunt is having feverish chills and developing a catatonic stare. And now you’re gonna have to figure out how to take care of that strange oozy bite on her upper thigh in the most bloodless, humane, fatal way possible.

What will you do?

What would Noah do?

Find your Noah.

Bryan Daniels

“Call of Duty”: A Call to Biblical Manhood

The tension was palpable. But after months of anticipation the much awaited arrival of the ultimate video game has been officially given unto us.

“Call of Duty: Black Ops” is this generations “new Nintendo.”

Call of Duty: Black Ops is a first-person shooter video game developed by Treyarch, published by Activision and released worldwide on November 9, 2010 for Microsoft Windows, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, Wii, and Nintendo DS consoles.

Yes, Nazi Zombies....

Black Ops gives every boy and man-child an opportunity to team up with fellow gamers to fight Cuban armies, communist gulags, and…..Nazi zombies?!

In past generations, young American men spared life and limb to fight actual enemies for their God, family and country. Now young American men spare a meaningful life and relationships to fight virtual enemies in the comfort of their bean bag chair. The disparity is slightly sickening.

Young men are looking for something to fight for. What they have chosen is Bill Gates dream, not God’s. One of the high-school seniors in my class waited outside of a store for hours with many other Call of Duty-ers to be the first to purchase “Black Ops” when the clock hit 12:00 AM on Tuesday. He immediately went home and started playing it until he had to go to school that same morning. He went to school and when he got out he went directly back to playing the game until 12:00 the following morning. On Wednesday morning, he looked like a “Nazi zombie” (minus the ‘Nazi’ I guess) in my math class.

Gaming addictions are some of the worst kind.

Middle and high schoolers are not the only victims of this gaming disease. Unfortunately, a large segment of twenty something college and career aged men have contracted it. They should be finding a career, getting married, rearing children, and at the very least moving out of their parent’s house. Instead they are settling for notoriety of their “thumb skills” and ”E-hard” status.

A whole generation of young women are still waiting for their respective “Peter Pans” to awaken from their self induced Never-land’s.

I am certainly not innocent. Though I haven’t been legitimately addicted to a game since PlayStation’s (the first one) NCAA Football 2000, the fleeting attraction of technology still has its grip on me. I spend too much time watching ESPN and perusing meaningless Websites, instead of actually pursuing the knowledge of God, leading my family, and loving people.

Young men need something to fight for. Young men are even created for something to fight for. And though there is not the same type of “World War global crisis” the men of old were beckoned for, there is a very real war and real global crisis contemporary men have been called to.

There is a spiritual war calling for the enlistment of real men.

In Isaiah 32:2 we see a captivating picture of biblical manhood. It states that the good man will be “like a shelter from the wind and a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a thirsty land.” The verse shows the man as protector and guardian, as life-giver and as the firm rock for others. Married and single men are made to defend and protect their family, friends, church, community and country from spiritual attacks of all sorts.

Real men don’t fight fake zombies, they cast down real strongholds that stand between them and the knowledge of Christ (2 Cor. 10:3-5).

This is done with the deadly gospel weapons of Scripture and prayer (Eph 6). This is done by cultivating real fellowship that edifies, challenges, and encourages fellow warriors in the battle of life. What is at stake is not a high score or temporary bragging rights, but the fame of God’s holy name and an eternity in heaven and hell (Malachi 1:11).

I am not calling for a moratorium on fun, or a misguided form of fundamentalist separatism. Maybe just an honest evaluation of our values will do. Maybe we all need to take a heart inventory of what (or who) we truly love, and what we truly desire to pour our time and resources into.

Maybe what is gripping us is also what is killing us.

Maybe there really is something to fight for. Maybe it isn’t a “Call of Duty” but a call for the restoration of Biblical Manhood.

Bryan Daniels