Is Punching Cats The Cure For Manboobs? The Internetz knows….

(Please don’t take any of this seriously)

People are delightfully weird.

I appreciate this.

Because deep down, so am I (as my wife can attest).

Every few months I peruse the “search terms” tab in my dashboard for the sheer enjoyment of basking in other people’s quirky internet search items. For the record, the overwhelming way most people find “Chief of the Least” using the mysterious algorithms of SEO is by looking for “awkward christmas photos.”

Supposed internet anonymity brings out the latent weirdness in folks.

As pointed out in a previous post, many people come to my neck o’ the internet through searching “Rastafarian Polygamous women.” Somehow a post I wrote on Mormonism and a separate post that mentions Rasta music got hopelessly intertwined as they traversed the high-speed internet. I’m sure some Bob Marley lovin’ stoner with a sexual addiction was displeased when he found my blog.

Here are some more recent search term gems I’ve dug up for your pleasure:

“p90x insanity manboobs”

I’ve done both “Insanity” and “P90x” workouts in past. Both regimes have their positives, but I can’t really say either combats the serious heart breaking condition of gynecomastia. The most unfortunate phrase for those suffering from this disease is: “Pool Party!” Seriously, the best anecdote is to eat healthy, stay physically active on a daily basis, and find a girl who likes you for you.

“purple haired lady in old testament”

I don’t recall ever studying a purple haired prophetess in Sunday School. Pretty sure I mentioned a notable TBN female character’s, er, “hair extensions”, during a post about an Old Testament prophet. Who knows: Joseph’s coat of many colors could very well be a foreshadowing of some modern Christian TV personality’s mane of many colors.

“cat punch”

I’m not gonna lie. I have fought the urge to punch a cat before. But I don’t think I’ve ever divulged that information to anymore. Except now. They’re so self-assured. So laid back. So bored with you. And at the same time in a feline fit of rage they may unexpectantly maul the living crap out of your ankles. No thanks.

I’m curious what gems you dug up from the dusty recesses of your dashboard? Do share.*

Bryan Daniels

*Please keep it family friendly as possible…

Awkward Family Photos of Binge Eating Nazi Zombies

One of the more entertaining aspects of maintaining a blog is the internet’s seemingly random treatment of keywords and phrases for the purpose of search engines world-wide. A lot of inquiring people find my site unsuspectingly because Google algorithms threw them a strange bone that seemed to fit their needs.

When I first did a post like this last year, I learned that some of these anonymous searchers have a dark and disturbing side (IE “Rastafarian Polygamous Women).

If you’re a WordPress User, from you’re Dashboard you should be able to go to “Site Stats” and click the “Summaries” tab under “Search Engine Terms.” This will show what random internet lurkers typed in to a search engine to find your site the past year or so.

Here are a few interesting search tidbits from my top-secret Summaries (X)-file.

“Awkward Family Christmas Photo”

By far this is the most searched for item on the list. Hundreds of folks have found “Chief of the Least” through this term or some close variation to it. I hope they get a chuckle out of my family’s awkwardness on their way to the actual website they were probably looking for. If you want to see what I look like in a ladies discounted Christmas sweater vest from KMART, give this link a peek.

“zombie apocalypse survival kit”

With the Walking Dead/Nazi Zombie craze befalling our culture, many a concerned conspiracy theorists have perused the net for surefire ways of end times preparation. At my blog, they found instead a tounge in cheek post that poked a little fun at them. But seriously, don’t come a knockin’ when the undead masses come pawin’ through your neighborhood; I only have enough freeze-dried food, shot-gun ammo, and room in my bomb shelter for my immediate family.

“music lyrics pertaining to binge eating”

I can’t off the cuff think of any popular music lyrics that may intimate binge eating. But I did do a pretty disgusting post a while back that included “binge eating” and “music” in the title. The SEO gods may have also discovered and matched the words with my “Thanksgiving Gluttony Repentance” post this past year too.

So I’m a recovering binge eater. Now you know.

“ernest scared stupid satanism”

I make no qualms about “Ernest Scared Stupid” being one of the scariest movies of my childhood (only slightly behind “Event Horizon”). My mom ignored the PG-13 rating and brought her innocent formative 8-year-old son to the horror movie of the century. I was clearly scarred. But it never occurred to me that Ernest the lovable buffoon and the nasty goblins that chased him may have satanic roots. If memory serves me correctly, the way that army of demonic monsters was defeated was with organic milk and affectionate hugs.

Satanism solved.

Peeps! I’m curious about what unique search terms you may have found in your dusty stats records. Share away in the comments.

Peace and grace,

Bryan Daniels