Four Reasons You Should Wear Velcro Shoes

Velcro Shoes
Yes. High heeled Velcros. You’re welcome ladies.

They’re stylish

I mean this is obvious. Nothing says fashion statement more than two straps across the top of your foot. Nothing screams class more than that obnoxious ripping noise those straps make when you take them off. They come in three primary colors: Black, gray and hospital white. These colors can match any wardrobe combination. Jeans, slacks, capris, jorts you name it. You want to be on the cutting edge? Then strap these on and watch the envious glares coming your way.

They’re cost efficient

I get my beautiful pair from Wal-Mart. Where else can I get a brand new pair of shoes for $13.83 including tax? I don’t have to deal with those greasy shoe salesman one finds at FootLocker or Journeys, cause Wal-Mart employees avoid you like the black plague anyways. I can buy my shoes, diapers, a gallon of milk, and a bag of funions and I still have enough money left over to take my wife out to Shoney’s for the weekend.

They’re time saving

Cause ain’t nobody got time for shoestrings anymore. Seriously, do you still use a carrier pigeon or do you text message? Get with the times, velcro is the latest time saving trend to open up your schedule for more Call of Duty and Facebook creeping. That’s exactly why NASA or someone originally made this groundbreaking fabric.

They will make you feel young and wise

Who are the only people you see wearing velcro shoes in our society? That’s right: Three year olds and eighty-three year olds. But you have the benefit of wearing them while no longer (or not yet) wearing a diaper. Velcro shoes will give you that youthful vigorous look AND that worn and wise look. The best of both worlds. All rolled in one shoe. You can instantly fit in during a skating rink party or a game of Bingo. This shoe is fluid.

Bryan Daniels

What are some additional benefits of Velcro Shoes we should consider?

Author: Bryan Daniels

I am a follower of Jesus, a husband to Jessica, and a father of three boys: Josiah, Gideon and Judah. I teach high school math as a job, read reformed theology as a hobby, and write this blog just for kicks. With the rest of my time I coach football and track.

10 thoughts on “Four Reasons You Should Wear Velcro Shoes”

  1. You said, “That’s exactly why NASA or someone originally made this groundbreaking fabric.”

    I must correct you. Velcro was sold by two Vulcans, who were trapped in Earth’s past, so that they could finance their escape. Just ask any Star Trek fan; I know they will back me up on this.

  2. They are great for people who wear pants that should have been retired long ago. If they split and make a sound sound while bending over, just engage the velcro sound from the shoes and act as if that’s where the first noise came from.

    Of course, that’s probably why the sell them at WalMart.

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