When I saw the disgusting fad grip the nether regions of young men 4-5 years ago I assumed it would fizzle away like Val Kilmer’s career (I guess you could never top Doc Holiday anyways). But it hasn’t gone away.
The grip is just as tight today.
They’ve blunted the force of the word with the new description, “straight jeans” but that’s like calling an anorexic super model “big-boned.” Don’t spin the facts boys. You’ve squeezed into a preteen girls pair of jeans. And everybody, even old ladies with cataracts, can see it.
I’ve come to appreciate the natural function of these tourniquet pants. Bearded boys who wear skinny jeans are doing society a favor. Man boys who wear skinny jeans, like male cyclists who ride on women’s bike seats, are weeding out their impish brand of genetic code from the natural selective process.
To put it plainly: Skinny jeans beget impotence. At least I’m convinced they must. It cannot be healthy to restrict and constrain your future children within these terrible torture devices that would be illegal in a Vietnam prison camp. But we have a whole generation of boys who put them on willingly, in the fancy name of fashion.
It’s not just the feminization of young American men I have an issue with. It’s the sterilization of young American men. It’s not just that many women are naturally repulsed by this issue, it’s that our male bodies necessarily reject such nonsense, anatomically speaking.
But it won’t always be this way.
A side benefit of this skinny jean demise, as a friend put on Facebook, “You know it’s bad when America has a skinny jean fad and an obesity problem…nothing good can come from that.”
Yes, I’ve seen the blinding public spectacle of a chubby dude like me, squeezing himself into jeans six sizes too small. It makes one sad for America. But he is weeding out the future possibility of having his own boys who will pick up his terrible fashion habit. So it is also an opportunity for Murica! to rejoice.
Skinny jeans will eventually be the end of men who are inclined to wear skinny jeans. And for that, for the future sake of this proud nation, I am thankful for them.
PS Please don’t take this too seriously….