Why I Am Thankful For Men Who Wear Skinny Jeans

Skinny Jeans

When I saw the disgusting fad grip the nether regions of young men 4-5 years ago I assumed it would fizzle away like Val Kilmer’s career (I guess you could never top Doc Holiday anyways). But it hasn’t gone away.

The grip is just as tight today.

They’ve blunted the force of the word with the new description, “straight jeans” but that’s like calling an anorexic super model “big-boned.” Don’t spin the facts boys. You’ve squeezed into a preteen girls pair of jeans. And everybody, even old ladies with cataracts, can see it.

I’ve come to appreciate the natural function of these tourniquet pants. Bearded boys who wear skinny jeans are doing society a favor. Man boys who wear skinny jeans, like male cyclists who ride on women’s bike seats, are weeding out their impish brand of genetic code from the natural selective process.

To put it plainly: Skinny jeans beget impotence. At least I’m convinced they must. It cannot be healthy to restrict and constrain your future children within these terrible torture devices that would be illegal in a Vietnam prison camp. But we have a whole generation of boys who put them on willingly, in the fancy name of fashion.

It’s not just the feminization of young American men I have an issue with. It’s the sterilization of young American men. It’s not just that many women are naturally repulsed by this issue, it’s that our male bodies necessarily reject such nonsense, anatomically speaking.

But it won’t always be this way.

A side benefit of this skinny jean demise, as a friend put on Facebook, “You know it’s bad when America has a skinny jean fad and an obesity problem…nothing good can come from that.”

Yes, I’ve seen the blinding public spectacle of a chubby dude like me, squeezing himself into jeans six sizes too small. It makes one sad for America. But he is weeding out the future possibility of having his own boys who will pick up his terrible fashion habit. So it is also an opportunity for Murica! to rejoice.

Skinny jeans will eventually be the end of men who are inclined to wear skinny jeans. And for that, for the future sake of this proud nation, I am thankful for them.

Bryan Daniels

PS Please don’t take this too seriously….

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Author: Bryan Daniels

I am a follower of Jesus, a husband to Jessica, and a father of three boys: Josiah, Gideon and Judah. I teach high school math as a job, read reformed theology as a hobby, and write this blog just for kicks. With the rest of my time I coach football and track.

30 thoughts on “Why I Am Thankful For Men Who Wear Skinny Jeans”

  1. Maybe these jeans are specifically designed genetic ‘manipuli’ that will induce smaller children so that the survival rates pending the next global super war will be stupendously increased…I mean we almost all know how proud Satan can get of his own blood…although the flow in these particular privial coverings may be hindered somewhat but then talk about doing unto others! Or they could be a sign to the ladies saying “no I am only interested in Jesus, therefore I wear these hideous oversized elastic bands to really put you off”, but I doubt it. In some cringing state of a youthful recollection I do remember that skintight jeans were a boast more than anything else that would reason as to grace and putting ladies off was the last reason I and many others would even have a hint of in our dear young untempered wretched heart. Nope, we only hoped to blow all reason out of their pretty heads and have them drooling and clawing their way through all adversity, especially parents to cause an clutter on the floor of whatever chosen premise that these should be peeled off in, I do confess. But alas it is better not to act upon the suspicions of mind set forth buy an appearance of a young as Jesus did warn us and it is the fruit of the heart that will give all the evidence we need as what is actually in a pair of hollow noodles such as these.

  2. Maybe they deserve a “Darwin Award”

    My wife was standing behind a young man with tight skinny jeans which were half way down his posterior, while in the supermarket. When he walked away he could only use his legs from the knees down. My wife couldn’t help it and laughed out loud.

  3. I liked your article. Note that a man (Japanese) died because he was wearing skinny jeans or the tightest pants and while riding on an airline for many hours his circulation became so bad that he had a heart attack and died. It is a true story. Bryan you wrote you enjoyed my Salvation story so I posted a story called the Horn. It is kind of like it, give it a read and let me know what you think of it. Barry

  4. I totally agree with you in regards to men who wear skinny jeans! They bug the heck out of me! Yes, I will never date a man who is thinner than me. But even worse, is a man who can wear skinny jeans, when I even can’t! (I need to breathe in my clothing and prevent waist buttons from blasting off and wacking somebody in the eye.) Great post!

  5. I hate guys that wear “skinny jeans”, i think it looks stupid, i am a guy and i like to wear bke/hollister jeans somewhat tight (i don’t like baggy jeans) but there not skin tight like these emo’s wear, i hate the skinny jeans look even on women so with men its even worse. Don’t see how they can go all day with their junk smashed up!!

  6. It’s just like everything else in the world you don’t like, just turn your head 😉 Part of being an adult I suppose. Also this line…
    “It’s not just the feminization of young American men I have an issue with.”
    Wow… seems someone has a one track-in-the-box way of thinking. 😉

    1. I suppose you could look at it this……they are less selfish that.n flares……sorry for error ….reasons……cannot be bothered to go into.

  7. The extremes are always the problem and one look does not look good on everyone. I do sense a little jealousy here though when someone who refers to himself as on the chubby side…the bottom line is that jeans have been way to loose, baggy and frankly ugly for a long time. The slimmer and yes even skinny jeans of today look much better on most men and I hate to say it, by and large most men are now going with at least slim straight so I think ya’all better get used to it. I keep myself in shape which is rare for guys in my age but those who have a slim build look much better in slim/skinny jeans.

  8. Not sure why all the hate towards skinny jeans. if you can fit in them comfortably why not? I am about 5′ 8 and 120 lbs, (I am a guy and naturally skinny), even if I wear straight jeans they look ridiculously baggy on me and I have no option but to wear skinny pants. I do admit, some overweight guys wearing skinny jeans actually kind of looks ridiculous on them, putting themselves through a torture.

  9. If you are so against skinny jeans emasculating men, be ready for the coming wave of kilts and man skirts. More and more men are getting tired being boxed into the fashion restrictive shirt and pants paradigm and are forgoing the pants for an garment that we have been denied for over a century, the skirt.

    https://www.facebook.com/LetMenWearSkirts

  10. I know this here is more of a joke than anything else, but seriously I’m happy skinny jeans are acceptable. I just look awful in anything baggier! I’ve found girls really like it! Well, some don’t, I’ll admit that. But my girl, the love of my life, adores it 🙂 so I guess it’s whatever. Really, the whole feminization of men doesn’t matter. People should just be themselves and express themselves however they choose. Especially through something like clothing when it doesn’t affect anyone at all. Perhaps I find myself not really supportive of the whole doing things for the sake if doing what everyone else is doing, but for me, I wear them because I LOVE THEM. And that’s all that fricken matters, when it comes to what you wear.

  11. The only first world things that catch Ugandans as fast as they roll in the first world are things like skinny jeans that are too small to be pulled up to the waist and ‘jeggings’.

  12. Okay… I’m a guy and I wear skinny jeans. I’m 5’6 and naturally thin, they look good on me. Girls like them on me because I’ve gotten more dates in them than back when I wore khakis, and baggy jeans. It has nothing to do with feminization. They’re comfortable, but if you don’t like it, don’t look, and don’t buy any. But I can’t stand it when a guy with a gigantic beer gut tries to wear them. Skinny jeans aren’t supposed to be so right that you can’t move properly, they’re supposed be slightly lose fitting and stretch.

    1. Bifurcated garments : tights, leggings, pants; trousers are historical male/ menswear garments in Western society. St. Joan of Arc was burned to death for donning tights in jail again after promising not to cross-dress into tights again ( menswear ).. Why do females as cross-dressers/ transvestites , have more pants, choices then males ? Males are made to feel like they doing something gender wrong or immoral when wearing slender legging pants/ leggings; especially tucked into cowboy boots or riding boots ! Leather boots is another anti-male fashion story.Skinny legged pants & boots go leg & foot together as another example of anti-male bigotry. Reverse the gender bias & fashion freedom to the male gender and see clearly how ridiculous the gender double standard looks.

  13. Where is the critique of females wearing menswear big time the last fifty years ? They ( females ) collectively have become masculinized but no societal condemnation ; why not ? Sexist double standards is the answer ! Females get a free pass on snide sexual remarks from men commentators like these above critics. Females praise the more adventuresome females who purloin menswear garments that have not fallen under total female domain . In reality, there is no longer any menswear the last forty years; females wear everything still labeled as male plus their own anatomical versions found in female departments. Imagine if males had the same ultimate fashion freedom of wearing any gender wardrobe and considered great for them to wear , while females were limited to a very narrow historical feminine wardrobe the last forty years. Women wearing sexy, sleek dresses or gowns would be attacked by society/ media for being too ” butch ” !

    1. Thank you.
      I wear womens shorts cause the designers do t make mens shorts that are really shorts. They hang down to your knees, and they call them shorts.
      Back when it the 70’s, it was ok for men to wear shorter shorts. Since then the fashion has changed but not for me.
      Why wear shorts if they look like Capri pants. How stupid that looks.
      A great man said one time:
      A MANS GOTTA DO WHAT A MANS GOTTA DO.
      If you so called men out there don’t wear what feels good. And you just want to be in fashion, just wear what is in the mens department. Let the designers be the boss of what you wear

  14. I know you said “Please don’t take this too seriously” but everything you’ve said is 100% true. People should be taking it seriously. I, for one, have changed my views on Skinny Jeans because I’ve realized that it is a self-limiting phenomenon, as those stupid enough to constrict the blood flow to their nether regions will soon be unable to propagate their broken genetics due to their non-existent sperm count.

    By all means, effeminate metrosexuals – wear tighter and tighter jeans until you can no longer reproduce.

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