(To see the original non parody piece, go here)
Dear Dad on the Flip Phone,
I see you over there in the ball stands, fiddling with your flip phone. It feels good to gaze into those six pixels and choose from three varieties of wallpaper:
Beach scene, mountain scene, a flower?
Which will it be?
You’d be on Facebook or Twitter or ESPN.com right now but your plan doesn’t include WIFI or any ability to access internet without a monstrous charge. You don’t even have the 4 Pics 1 word game on that ancient Samsung model that Verizon discontinued months ago. You do have a Pac Man demo but only three more free credits before even that’s taken away from you.
Let me tell you what you’re missing right now:
Your seven year old son just struck out in the bottom of the sixth against a pitching machine that only throws slow strikes. He cost his team (Merlin’s Carpeting Cougars) the city league championship and his entire world is slowly falling apart before your eyes…If your eyes weren’t averted by your stupid flip phone.
Gaze into your son’s face right now: He’s bawling like a girl.
Your actual little girl (his little sister) you’re supposed to be watching just scarfed down the rest of your grape sno cone, and is currently experiencing a brain freeze that will make her fail the first grade….twice. You can’t empathize with her excruciating pain because you’re too busy texting your wife about dinner.
Chic Fil A or Zaxby’s?
Fast fast food or slow fast food?
You’re so pissed right now.
Because you literally have to hit the key pad FOUR TIMES to type the friggin’ “Z” in Zaxby’s. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO YOU?!
All those mom’s on the iPhones are the ones that are comforting your children right now. So sad.
But you can do better.
Show those kids, your emotionally distraught son, and your mentally damaged daughter, they are more loved than your beloved flip-phone. Your daughter will “accidentally” drop your flip phone in the toilet tonight anyways. Your insurance claim will kick in and you will get an automatic upgrade.
Maybe then, and only then, will you be able to join the ranks of those cool distracted dad’s with iPhones.