You’re Not Ready For The Zombie Apocalypse…But You Can Be…

We all have one within our circle of extended family and friends.

We’ll call him “Noah.” He is the modern day cowboy expecting and preparing for a worldwide end-times cataclysmic event of epic proportions. An event similar to what happened in the ancient “days of Noah.” Noah’s not scared though. He fully expects to escape the coming tribulation with pickled food, an embarrassment of generators, and thousands of rounds of military ammo.

He is a man of old school MacGyver-esque type sensibilities which include breeding goats, building raging fires, and blowing up stuff with homemade mortars.

I envy Noah a bit.

My very limited talents include teaching math, coaching football, and writing semi-intelligently about subjects I actually know very little about. But when the second Great Depression hits and people start eating each other again, screw all that: I want to be on Noah’s team.

Tangible survival skill will rule that day, not inane activities like introspection and art.

Noah has got a backup for everything. If his flashlight goes out he’s got a backup one in his back pocket. If the back pocket backup flashlight goes out, you don’t even want to know where he keeps the backup to the backup back pocket flashlight.

Noah is hardcore.

You better identify your respective Noah before it’s too late. Because in time, everyone will come to grips with that chilling realization that rushes over the body like a winter wave:

I’m not prepared for a zombie apocalypse

I mean I do have a months supply of freeze-dried astronaut food left over from a failed diet program. I also have a 12 gauge shotgun I haven’t shot since I was seventeen and a couple of sharpened shovels in my possession. But when it hits the fan, those limited resources are not going to keep the chaos in the streets from spilling into my house in less than two weeks.

But thank goodness for Noah.

He saw all of it coming eons ago.  And all of it will probably come together for you in one surreal watershed moment. As you huddle together in Noah’s tornado shelter gripping one of his M3’s in one hand and the hand of your night-gown clad great-aunt in the other, you’ll say:

Now I know why he needed all these unregistered machine guns that shell out 1200 rounds a minute.

Now I know why he needed nine deep freezers stockpiled with enough deer and goat meat to feed the Duggars for two whole days.

Now I know why he stopped investing in stocks and bonds and started stockpiling gold and guns.

No, we’re not ready for the zombie apocalypse right now…but we can be with Noah.

So reader, I implore you: Find your Noah. Before it’s too late. Before you find yourself in a stale security sweat box with a capacity of 12 yet holding 21 of your closest family, friends, neighbors and house pets. Out of nowhere a heart wrenching dilemma will present itself to you: You’re aunt is having feverish chills and developing a catatonic stare. And now you’re gonna have to figure out how to take care of that strange oozy bite on her upper thigh in the most bloodless, humane, fatal way possible.

What will you do?

What would Noah do?

Find your Noah.

Bryan Daniels

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Author: Bryan Daniels

I am a follower of Jesus, a husband to Jessica, and a father of three boys: Josiah, Gideon and Judah. I teach high school math as a job, read reformed theology as a hobby, and write this blog just for kicks. With the rest of my time I coach football and track.

32 thoughts on “You’re Not Ready For The Zombie Apocalypse…But You Can Be…”

  1. I’m pretty sure this is one of the most unique posts I’ve ever read. Wow. Um…..Ah……Wow. Did the fireworks detonate a little too close to the cave?

      1. Ooh. I’ll have to try that angle with her! That’s why we watch Vampire Diaries. Well, that, and she thinks one of the vampires is really cute…

      2. Bryan, I KNEW I really liked you!!!! Just one more reason! I’m a total Walking Dead fan! But I’m usually too embarrassed to admit it. Glad your wife likes it cause in my house, I’m the only one who is into zombies. I don’t think I have a Noah in my life….but a couple of maybes….

  2. Oh, wow. So you’re telling me that the ex-husband that I had to get away from was actually the one I needed to stay with? Oh dear. What if Noah won’t get a real job and YOU have to work overtime to pay for his kids to be able to even play Little League because Noah is too busy stockpiling guns and food and poring over endtime videos on YouTube?

    Hope Noah has room in the basement of my house that he’s still living in free of charge for me and the kids when the Zombie Apocalypse hits.

    (Forgive me for my tongue-in-cheek reply. I just got a real kick out of your blog entry, especially when I lived with such a Noah for a long time. Your post was so funny that I read it aloud to my family, who, in turn, also laughed. I needed the humor today.)

  3. Way ahead of ya, Brian. I don’t own a gun, and don’t have any food stored, but I got LOTS of Noah’s. I have them in all corners of the country, and there’s enough guns & grub (good movie title) to hold us over for quite some time. The fatal flaw in my Noah plan though, is none of them are within walking distance. I used to say the fact our larger family has become so geographically spread out was no big deal, BUT, it IS a big deal if you have to walk to their house (and you’re hungry)! Of course, I’m assuming when the stuff hits the fan, gasoline supplies will be shut off. The guvmint will want us to stay put, so’s they can round us all up. Shouldn’t be a problem though; Everbody will be yellin, “Cheese!” and runnin to the trap.

      1. True bout that. But you have to be on their “approved list”, and most of ’em look at you with one eye shut if yer not kin. I’ve tried to tell ’em you’re supposed to keep both eyes open when you’re lookin down a rifle barrel, but all they ever say is, “Git!”

  4. Great blog! I hope all your readers understand the part in the comment about the first one dead is the winner. The one who knows that Jesus saves and forgives is the winner, no matter when the game for that person is over. From your provious blogs, I think you agree.

      1. lol.. some people have all the luck!! Well, I guess look out for me..I’m probably going to be one of the zombies.

        Darn it. I hate zombies.

  5. Lordy, Zombies oh my. Well since I first saw that George Romero flick, “Night of the Living Dead” I cannot watch Zombie movies they just totally unnerve me. I’ll take vampires and werewolves any day. As for my survival skills I suppose I could always fall back on my military training. On the other hand maybe not. I wasn’t too good at finding my way out of those German forests 30 years ago and my internal GPS has not improved! Also if all those Army C-rations I consumed didn’t turn me into a Zombie nothing will! I was sure those horrible things were left over from WWII. LOL!! Spec 4 Palmer — U.S. Army 1977 – 1981

  6. Good post, I really enjoyed it and all of the comments. As you know I am one of those Noahs. In relation to the many comments and your post just remember the story of Noah; don’t wait too long or the door may close and you may be on the outside. dying laughing. Seriously, as Christians we should be prepared to provide for our families and witness to others. Obviously the best preparedness plan is accepting Christ as our savior since any of us could die tonight. Anyhow I’ll ask my wife if she is interested in staying up on Zombie watch tonight. Catch you later God Bless.
    P.S. You know I think I will press this post for my readers tomorrow on Sunday as I usually don’t post on weekends.

  7. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

    – 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 (NIV)hi hope all is well”dot,,thanks

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