If The Rapture Happens This Saturday (A Brief Survival Guide For the UNbeliever)

(This post is not a dig on my brethren who subscribe to a pretribulational rapture; just a dig on cooky old men who twist Scripture)

Harold Camping is certain this Saturday, March 21, will be the day of the rapture-an event that supposes millions of Christians (the church) will be caught up in the sky with Christ so that God can pour out his wrath on the world in judgment for the next seven (or so) years. This awful period will be a time of great worldwide war, famine, disease, and death on an exponential level. Upon completion of this “great tribulation”, Christ returns in a final Coming with the church to set up His millenial kingdom of righteousness.

Despite Jesus testifying “no one will know the day or hour” or that the day “will come as a thief in the night,” Camping still claims absolute perfect knowledge concerning the secrets of the end times. He uses his “Family Radio” program to spread his end times propaganda. Not surprisingly, he’s been wrong about the rapture before. In 1992, he published the book “1994?” which posited that date as a rapture possibility. Being  sadistically fixated with numerology, Camping just chalked up that little miscalculation to his math being off a bit.

Why can’t the ole guy just use those retired engineering math skills for nursing home Sudoku competitions instead of a global wide heretical conspiracy theory?

Camping, 89 years old (!), used to be a member of the orthodox Christian Reformed church. The Octogenarian prophet had a sharp departure with that church in 1988 and immediately claimed all organized churches to be apostate. Like his spiritual kinsfolk, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, Camping has an insatiable thirst for “date setting” and deciphering the “hidden” meaning behind every biblical text.

But, in the off-chance Camping is right(he’s not!) I have compiled a brief rapture survival kit. This three point list is for the benefit of non believers in the next seven years.

Don’t get canker sores….on your privates….

From the formidable e-files of “Rapture Ready” I have gleaned this gem regarding the mark of the beast:

If you do take the mark (of the beast) then nothing can be done for you—you will suffer the malignant ulcer making the rest of your life almost unbearable. Did you ever have a canker sore in your mouth? If so, then you know how painful that one little canker sore was. Now think of having canker sores all over your body, on your genitalia, in your mouth. Think how painful and unbearable your life will be.

Yeah, think about it…unless you’re eating something right now.

Buy Gold…lot’s of it…NOW!

From the same source (Rapture Ready) we get these economic insights for those left behind:

Save up for yourself gold; gold has always had value as money and always will, even in a cashless society. Identify one of these profiteers and seek to purchase food and living supplies from him. However, don’t ever disclose to him how much gold you have and where it is. You want to be more valuable to him as a dealer than as a bounty. By the way, you will have a price on your head for not taking the mark. Obviously you won’t be living an open life, as you will be in hiding somewhere at a remote location or in the forest on the outskirts of a large city. Your only goal will be to eat to live and hope to escape the militia hunting for you and those like you. Should you get caught, your fate will be either death or slavery.

You better buy gold now, otherwise you will be buying it from Glenn Beck and Gordon Liddy then. The American dollar will only be good for toilet paper…if it was softer…

Or you could just link up with this lone ranger named “Eli.” Dude will go straight gangsta on every militia and cannibal family on the Armageddon landscape.

Also, Take Care of Miss Priss for me

As if you didn’t have enough to worry about with genitalia canker sores and a starving family you can also opt to be a pet caretaker for those whisked away by the rapture. “After the Rapture Pet Care” is a real service that ensures all Christians pets will be taken care of by an unbeliever post rapture. The site also has a hilarious selection of shirts, coffee mugs, bibs and random crap with pictures of cats and dogs peering out windows with a worried countenance.

Even if you can’t afford such a responsibility, you can always use the service as free source of meat. House pets will no longer be restricted to Asian cuisine in the tribulation.  

I leave you with this chilling video piece made by our friends at “After Rapture Pet Care.” 

Dementia induced prophecies aside, I hope to see you in the Lord’s house this Sunday. God willing of course. ; )


Author: Bryan Daniels

I am a follower of Jesus, a husband to Jessica, and a father of three boys: Josiah, Gideon and Judah. I teach high school math as a job, read reformed theology as a hobby, and write this blog just for kicks. With the rest of my time I coach football and track.

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