Perfecting the perfect awkward family Christmas photo is harder than it looks. (in the spirit of the hilarious website “Awkward Family Photos”)
This is mainly because of the difficulty of finding a satisfactorily atrocious Christmas sweater during Christmastime.
I traversed two JC Penney’s, two Goodwill’s, Kohl’s, Sears and a Humane Society Thrift Shop for the holiday fashion faux pas. None of them were quite offensive enough for what I had in mind. At the end of the night, I finally struck gold at a Big KMart. It may be a Christmas conspiracy of sorts, but I had an extremely hard time finding any Christmas sweaters for men at any of the stores (much less cheesy ones). Women have an embarrassment of riches to choose from regarding their Christmas attire, but men have a woefully limited selection of holiday ugliness in most stores. This was the case with KMart too. After finding exactly nothing in the menswear section, a certain blue sweater-vest with ice skating snowmen, cotton/snow balls, and sparkly sequins caught my eye…..in the women’s section.
That’s right, in our Christmas cards I’m wearing a sweater-vest for women…from K Mart. It had a return receipt stapled to it and it was marked down half off. You know what they say: One woman’s trash is another man’s Christmas sweater.
Jessie is wearing a bit of a gem herself in the card. Instead of going on another sweater hunt for my wife, I decided to call my very own connoisseur of Christmas cheese: my mom. She was up for the challenge and her closet bore considerable fruit for our cause. After laying out a lineup of awesomely bad Christmas attire for me one caught my eye right when I walked in the door. It was another snowman sweater, but this beauty was made up of super glued doily’s on a black sweatshirt. When we threw that bad boy over one of mom’s festive jumpers, well, you see the glorious end result.
Josiah is probably the least cheesy victim of the three. In order to maintain a continuous snowman theme we put him in a snowman sweatshirt he had from the previous year. We also slicked his hair down like Opie, and for those of you given to detail you should also notice he’s wearing sandals with socks.
In the main photo (above) I’m doing what I like to call the classic “Burt Reynolds” pose; you know the one where the leading family man’s body language seems to be saying about the rest of his family, “Yeah, that’s the fruit of my loins right there.”
Jessica thought a garbage bin should be the backdrop for the other pictures. We chose this solely for the amusing thought that when people view the card for the first time they might say out loud, “Is that a dumpster behind them?”
Also, we included a quick Spanish Christmas message (“Feliz Navidad!”) for our text. Why? Not because Jessica is one-fourth Mexican I assure you. But simply to add to the confusion and incoherence of the card at hand. The more ridiculously uncomfortable the whole card viewing experience the more entertained we are as a family.
In conclusion, the Daniels family offers a very Merry and awkward Christmas to you. But seriously, don’t take yourselves too seriously this Christmas. God gave us laughter as a gift, let’s unwrap it with a joyful passion this season.